SUCCESS VS HAPPINESS

I am 23. Living in a so-called civilized society , people expect me to have answers to questions like ' what am I going to do in my life?', ' Where would I be 20 years from now in my career?', 'How much would have I saved by then?' , ' when am I going to book an apartment?'( The question is not whether I require an apartment of my own. It is just WHEN.) If I have answers to these questions by now and execute it as planned, I would be considered as someone who has achieved his ultimate goal of life.

  Even if I have achieved it, the irony is that I would have been  just an audience in setting MY OWN GOAL( Isn't it like me not attending my own marriage). So rather than answering the above lesser valued questions, the appropriate question to be answered would be 'WHAT IS THE ULTIMATE PURPOSE OF LIFE?'.  Answering this question might help us to be an active participant rather than being just an audience in setting our own goal.

 The answer that strikes me instantly is ' THE ULTIMATE PURPOSE OF LIFE IS TO BE SUCCESSFUL'. Though this answer sounds a bit generic, I like this answer because it projects me as an ambitious and determined man.( Yes, I am a man now. I no more have the luxury of being a boy.)
But it is much easier to project you as a strong-willed person than to actually be one.

So when I ponder over the question for few more minutes, my answer transforms to ' THE ULTIMATE PURPOSE OF LIFE IS TO BE HAPPY'. This sounds a matured answer. But in the name of becoming mature, people actually become less-ambitious and docile(May be this is the reason why with aging comes complacency.) There can be two answers to a question. But surely one must be better than the other(This is how we have been taught in our schools.) Let me start evaluating the two answers.

Is there a difference between success and happiness(or are they synonymous).I have seen successful people exuberantly rambling about how happy they are in life. So it does look like happiness is a by-product of success.In my very little experience I had with life, I was not all that happy when I was 'what people called success'. Everyone has their own definition of success. What if, my definition of success is 'TO BE HAPPY'( I know I am starting to get ambiguous).

Now that we have evaluated(and given lesser marks)success, let me start with happiness.To me, Happiness is highly deceptive that we can not trust it. What might seem happiness today,might not be the same few years down the line.Few years back, playing cricket was happiness to me.Today, better job with better salary is coveted happiness to me.This might change tomorrow.

So my conclusion(after two useless hours of thinking) is that' THE ULTIMATE PURPOSE OF LIFE IS LIVING'.This might sound too simple a answer to a possibly complex spiritual question.Not always there needs to be a complex answer for a complex quesion.As our innate quality, we tend to ignore simpler things which might well be the solution for bigger problems.

      THE ULTIMATE PURPOSE OF LIFE IS LIVING

PS: If on a friday  afternoon, you are all alone and you dont feel sleepy , this is how insane you could get.

IMPERFECT ENDING

He met her. He acquainted her. He befriended her. And finally he loved her.( Actually, he conceived he loved her). But he didnt know whether she felt the same about him. And he would never know that in the future too.

The moment he saw her for the first time in their class( that was the only moment he saw her. From then on, he totally ogled her). He felt she was the hottest girl in the class, may be in the entire college, may be in the entire world. Because he had never seen a prettier girl than her. Though he didnt believe in love-at -first-sight, he totally believed in lust-at-first-sight.

After a few days he got a chance to speak to her. Whenever he spoke to her he tried to act calm and casual. But inside he was restless and agitated. He felt like all his organs were folk dancing.He has ogled and flirted with infinite number of chicks(sorry, girls), but this feeling was new to him. He wondered may be "this is what people call as LOVE". But as per People's definition of love, it is related to something called heart. So he was convinced and relaxed that this was not love.

As days became weeks, he was truly calm and casual when he spoke to her.He stopped ogling her and started to see her face. Now she looked elegant and beautiful. There seemed to be a bond growing between them gradually but steadily. He liked the way she spoke. He liked the way she carried herself. He admired her.

As weeks became months, their bond had grown vehemently stronger. He loved her brilliance more than her face. Yet at times she was innocent as a child. He couldnt understand how could she be both brilliant and innocent at the same time. When his friends asked what was the relationship between them, he really didnt have an answer.

His feelings towards her kept on changing. For a week, he would think she was the best friend he has got. The next week, he wished he had a sister like her. The next week,  he felt like kissing her.He hated himself for having such feelings for her. The mistake was not only with him. The way she spoke to him was also a cause for his roller-coaster feelings.

None of their feelings were shared between them. Though they were the bravest among their peers, wording one's feelings needs a different kind of bravery which they lacked. He knew, the inevitable day would come, when they had to move apart and lead their own life. From that day ,their bond would weaken.She would not be near him to laugh at his silly jokes. They could not watch a movie together. He could not console her for her little failures. He could not lie to her that he liked her art works.He could not do a 1000 more silly but memorable things. And he could not love her.

Yes, that was love.He had heard LOVE HURTS.Just the thought of the inevitable day caused him excruciating pain. If this was not love, what else could be.

But WHAT IF she rejects him.WHAT IF she says " you are nothing more than a friend to me". WHAT IF she says " you are a cheap guy". WHAT IF she says " you are just another guy to me".( Life would be blissful if there were no WHAT IFS)He was afraid of the failure and decided to bury his love. He met the inevitable day not as a guy who loved her but as a friend who supported her.Time heals even the worst of wounds.

PS: This may not be the perfect ending to the story( for many of you, this may not even be a story worth posting), but this is how many of the real life stories end.

A REAL WINNER

        Karthick was a simple 17-year old boy with no big dreams and aspirations. He was a typical Indian student. He loved to spend time with his friends. He was an ardent follower of cricket. He was an atheist. Neither did he love his studies nor did he hate it. He was not a slow learner( though most of them believed he was). He knew he had the ability to be a topper. But he chose not to be one. Because he believed toppers wouldnt have the most creative of minds. He surely was not using this as an excuse to be lazy.


     Just like any other family, his parents had a huge expectations on him. They wanted him to earn a 6-digit salary per month. But Karthick hated his parent's pampering, he hated the melodramas of his mother, he hated the materialistic-thinkings of his father, above all he hated their expectations on him. He believed ONE SHOULD EXPECT SOMETHING FROM ONESELF, NOT FROM OTHERS. Not even from the closest of relations. Inspite of these, he loved his parents. (That is India. Children in India dont have the courage to hate their parents)


     Though he got pretty decent marks in his board exam, he didnt want to do engineering. When his father asked " What else do you want to do?",  he had no answer( Just like many people, he only knew what he didnt want. He didnt know what he wanted). After 4 years, Karthick was an engineer. He was not proud about it because  1) Even the lab assistant who worked in his college was an engineer. 2) He didnt want to be an engineer.


    Even his parents, for whom he did his engineering, were not happy because he didnt have a job. They wanted him to get placed in a MNC- work for a year-go to America- marry a wealthy Indian girl- have kids-work hard to leave huge assets for kids. Karthick could never understand the logic behind their expectations. Whats wrong with India? Whats wrong with a poor girl( if she has good character)? whats wrong if he didnt leave any assets to his children( if he gives them their freedom and allows them to chose what they want in their life)?


    He knew it was not his parents fault. The fault was with the society where father's friend's sister-in-law's uncle's words about him hurt his parents. For his parents, what the society perceives to be a happy life is THE HAPPY LIFE. But Kathick had his own idea of happiness. Just like the adage " Eat to live. Dont live to eat" , he believed in " EARN TO BE HAPPY, DONT BE HAPPY TO EARN". He believed, people could experience real happiness only if they do, what they love to do.


  He knew, the skeptical society would ask " What if you dont find what you love to do?" . Atleast, he would be happy trying to find what he loves, rather than doing things that he doesnt love. If people say " marrying a girl only for her money is immoral" then how come " Doing a job, that you hate, only for money is not immoral". Atleast in the former, we are cheating another human. In the later, we are cheating ourselves.


         Karthick doesnt want to cheat himself. He wants enjoy the real happiness that life has to offer. He is in search of finding what he loves to do. He is hopeful that he would find it. But before that he knew he has to face lot of struggles, he has to be strong, he shouldnt succumb to social and economic pressures. These are the phases of an ideal life.


           Not all who succeed in their career are winners. Some are lucky that they start loving what they do. The rest are good at cheating themselves that they believe they love what they do; which actually they dont. The real winners are people like Karthick who wait and find what they love to do.



                                                                                                                                               by  prem

THE OTHER SIDE

 
     Here is my another post. But this post is going to be a bit different( atleast that is what I intend). The protagonist of this post is one of my very close friend. What makes him special and odd is that he is just not like us( by us- I mean everyone who lives life because we are born. Everyone who doesnt realize the enormity of life). My friend is weird . Not in his appearance or behaviour but in his thoughts. We are so intimate that I can understand his thoughts even without expressing in words.


           He doesnt like to watch television. He doesnt like movies.He hates chit-chatting. All he likes to do is- sit alone and think about something. He always feels that there are lot of things in world that needs to be understood more clearly. For him, life is a complicated puzzle that needs to be solved. He wants to estrange himself  from his peers because he knew human-relationship is not his forte. He even wouldnt approach any girl because -1) he believed the girl wouldnt fathom even a single element of his way of seeing life.
                   
                     2) he also felt LOVE IS HIGHLY OVERRATED IN OUR SOCIETY.


          He is not at all a materialistic person. He doesnt covet for gadgets, bikes, apparels or any other materials for that matter. He believed people would be contented and fulfilled only by leading an austere lifestyle rather than a luxurious one. He is not concerned much about his studies or his career.One of his favourite lines is "CAREER IS ONLY A 19TH CENTURY INVENTION. BEING SUCCESSFUL IN IT ALONE   SHOULDNT BE THE ULTIMATE AIM" .

         
              Above all, the most weird thing about him is that he always tries hard to enjoy pain. Because he felt THE MORE YOU EXPERIENCE PAIN, THE MORE YOU COULD APPRECIATE THE BEAUTY OF LIFE. On the whole, for him life is a damn serious thing.


                        Though I could understand him, I couldnt fully agree with him. For me, life is blissful only when it is taken lightly. Why should we think too much about everything in life??? Just enjoy life as it comes. I like being improper. There is always a twinge of happiness and excitement in making mistakes.

              What I am trying to say is , there is no correct or wrong way to live a life. JUST LIVE LIFE IN THE WAY WHICH MAKES YOU HAPPY.

              By the way, who is he(my so-called friend)???  HE IS NOTHING BUT THE OTHER SIDE OF ME. I didnt intend to plot any twist in the story. The reason is so simple. People who knew me wouldnt have believed that those exotic thoughts were actually mine.


                  There is always an  "OTHER SIDE"  to everyone of us. The side which we hide from our society. We hide it because we are afraid others might ridicule us, others might not understand us and ultimately they may not accept us. We always wanted to fit in our society. So we do everything, not because we wanted to do but because others expect  us to do.


             So why am I revealing THE OTHER SIDE of me all of a sudden??? Atleast now I am relieved that I expressed both my sides fully to others( atleast to the very few readers who read this). I know I have made this post a bit arduous and highly vague. I cant help it. If you want to talk about yourself, you need to bore others.



                                                                                                                                              by  prem

nothing-to-do

           There will be a phase in everyone's life when one has no responsibilities,no expectations on him, no goals, nothing. All we need to do in that phase is just eat-digest-sleep-eat-digest-sleep.......... I am exactly in that phase of my life.


                   If I explain my routine to any person, they would envy me for having such a blissful life.Even I did feel the same for few days but not anymore. I have heard many people saying that final semester of college life would be nothing but full of enjoyment. It is true to an extent. If you are an average student(like me), you would be happy with the company you got placed, unlike some geeks who applies for IIMs and US universities. And you would be more than happy to just clear all your papers( who gives a damn about the grades). The only petty problem would be your project work which can be solved by rs.4000.


                      Life seems beautiful. So what it is that concerns me??????


            After living this nothing-to-do phase of my life for a couple of weeks, I am starting to realize that ENJOYMENT WHEN FELT IN EXCESS, TURNS TO BOREDOM. How much ever movies I watch, what ever books I read, where ever I roam with friends-at the end of the day, there is no excitement. Only a kind of emptiness fills me.


           You would be happy if you know that you do not have any work tomorrow. But, if this becomes the routine, YOU WOULD BE FRUSTRATED. In this phase,there is nothing to think and ponder about.I dont even have anything to worry about to keep my mind engaged.There is no excitement, no liveliness. If you think I am exaggerating, all I could say is, you are wrong.

         So to change the nothing-to-do-phase into a lively-phase, all we need to do is, do things that excites us. Things that make us smile internally. Things that make us proud of ourselves.But the problem is we have never discovered such things in our life. Do we have any specific hobbies? what are our interests ? We dont have any clear answers to these questions. Then how could we discover the things that excites us????

          My answer is NEW EXPERIENCES.  THE CORE OF HUMAN SPIRIT IS FELT ONLY BY NEW EXPERIENCES. When we leave our "comfort zone" and go into an "unknown zone"- we might be happy, we might be scared, we might get hurt but we would feel alive.


          There is always a sense of apprehension in doing new things. This apprehension gives us the excitement. But to feel this excitement or to leave the "comfort zone", we need to shred off the laziness that has overtaken us. Ok, what kind of new experiences am I talking about???


        It could be anything simple like learning a new sport, jogging or exercising, trying to cook our own food, meditating, even proposing to the girl who is close to your heart etc.Most of us might be doing such things already, just to pass time. But try to see it as a new experience and excel in whatever you do.


       So what I am trying to say is -an idle man's brain is devil's workshop. Rather than being an idle man, try to be an ideal man. LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL TO WASTE EVEN A SINGLE DAY BY NOT FEELING ALIVE.


P.S: SOMEHOW I MANAGED TO PASS 2 HOURS OF POWER-CUT BY GIVING YOU SUCH LAME ADVICES. SORRY FOR BORING YOU IN YOUR ALREADY-BORED-PHASE OF YOUR LIFE.


                                                                                                                                            BY  PREM 

A train journey

I dont know why, but I have developed some kind of aversion towards train from my childhood. So I have always preferred bus to train. But thanks to my state government for showing me how exciting a train journey could be. If they had not raised the bus fare to such an extent, I would have not had that memorable train journey.


     The train to my hometown starts at 1.30pm and reaches around 9pm. So there was no need for berth. Every college student who is new to train journey would think himself as surya and would expect a girl like sameera to sit opposite to him.( only an experienced guy would know that reality is far from expectations). I tried to be practical and prayed for, atleast a girl of my age to sit opposite to me.I eagerly checked the namelist. I realized that god answers reasonable prayers.

                                  Name : Jyothi
                                  Age: 20

But, how about her looks? Simply because a fruit is fresh, we cant enjoy eating it. Taste matters.(dont you think the analogy is a bit rude).I then submitted my next reasonable prayer- Jyothi has to be atleast, decently pretty. After few minutes, came a girl in blue chudidhar and sat opposite to me. Who else it could be? Jyothi was more than decently pretty- fair complexion, neatly tied hair, petite figure, long legs, a small bindhi with streak of viputhi. It was a perfect kollywood heroine entry scene.Then came the villain entry scene- her mother.Her mom was the older version of Jyothi except that Jyothi's amiable look was replaced by a stern and hostile look. There was no difficulty in categorizing them under the typical educated middle-class family.



  It had not even been 40min since the train started. Her mom opened a plastic box and there it was - the tamarind rice. However hard I try, I couldnt find the reason for the strong connection between tamarind rice and journies in our culture. 2 hours had been passed but I hadnt done anything other than ogling her through the corner of my eyes.( reserved and shy guys would generally be an expert oglers because that is the only thing they had been doing since their puberty age). I had to do something to attract her. Then I took my already-read novel and acted as though I was seriously reading it.(If play-boy look doesnt suit you, try the good-boy look. It might work, especially with middle-class girls.)


        To an extent, it did work for me. Some conversation started, though not with the heroine,but with the villain. Her mom asked the usual boring questions like " which college? which department? which year" etc. To any person on this planet,if you say that you are doing your final year engineering, their immediate question would be about your placement. Once she knew that I was placed, Jyothi joined the conversation and started asking about my cgp, project, interviews etc as she was doing her 3rd year engineering.This was the perfect situation to flaunt myself. I responded as though getting placed was not a big deal for me as I was planing to do MS in america.(only god knows the truth)


Since it was a weekday, there wasnt a much of crowd. Hence her mom occupied the entire three-seater and asked Jyothi to sit in the opposite seat,that is, BESIDE ME. How cruel of me to call such a nice lady as a villain? Soon , the nice lady went into a deep slumber.Jyothi and I had conversations on gadgets, movies,friends, exams and on every trivial things.After sometime, she became so flirtatious.( I dont think its that hard to sense, when a girl starts flirting with you because it doesnt happen often). Then we too tried to take a nap. You wont believe if I say that her head slipped to my shoulder during the so-called nap. I dont have any clue on whether it was intentional or unintentional.How should a guy react in these situations? should I take advantage of this or try to act as a good boy. Her mom's snoring made me to choose the latter option.

It was 8.55pm and our station had arrived. We just exchanged a formal " bye, see you" and started taking our own separate paths.But something within me said that it was not just a train-acquaintance and it couldnt end there like that.It was one of the moments where you know that you could strongly believe in your hunch.Just like any happy-ending, when I turned back, she came running towards me.She was panting and asked for my mobile mumber, in the pretext of some clarifications about placements.
I was more than happy to give my number and was expecting some thing romantic from her. She finally said " thanks ANNA. bye".   WTF.............



P.S:  Hopefully, this would be my last train journey.



                                                                                                                                 by  prem

FAILURE

                Two months ago I read a book called  ' EAT PRAY LOVE'.  It was so good a book that I couldnt refrain myself from being inspired by this book. In one chapter, the author said about her experiences as a beginner in meditation and what meditation had done to her, once she had made it a habit to practice daily. suddenly I got so curious and resolved myself to meditate atleast for 10-20min a day.( This is the problem with me. I get inspired so easily. Whenever I see sherlock, I start observing things rather than just seeing. Whenever I read Robin Sharma's words, I think myself as a philosopher. Whenever I see American pie, you know.........)

                       
          When I started to meditate, thoughts of everything and anything flooded to my mind.It seemed like my mind was scattered everywhere.After practicing it for a week( without any improvement), I was a bit frustrated and gave up meditation, consoling myself thinking that this is only for the so called highly-balance-minded-people.Though, from the next day, I started to spend some time in solitude in a nice tranquil environment. You could call it as contemplation though not meditation.( First of all, why am I trying all these and being such a lunatic?Because I want to improve myself in some way and since I dont know the exact way, I do all these crazy things. Why do I want to improve myself? Because, BEING JUST AN AVERAGE REALLY SUCKZ)


         During those contemplation hours, a lot of questions arose in my mind. Questions which I thought would occur only to philosophers, occurred to me too. Questions like " What is my role as a human in this world?  what theology should I follow? Is there something called destiny? Why dont people around me think broadly? et cetera" If you dont believe these questions occurred to me, then just try contemplating.( does these behaviours of me show that I am maturing as a person or its high time that I meet a good psychiatrist???)


             Another question that occurred to me was " what is failure?" and this is my favourite one because when I tried finding answers for other questions, I ended up getting much more complex questions and falling into a limbo. But, with failure, I feel I am somewhere near the answer.So let me write something about failure.First, try answering the question " HAVE I EVER FACED FAILURE IN MY LIFE?" Ofcourse, the answer would be a YES.Who wouldnt have faced failure in 21years.


      Now, let me try to define failure. Failure, as far I am considered, is WHEN ONE BADLY WANTS SOMETHING AND WORKS DILIGENTLY TOWARDS IT AND EVEN THEN COULD NOT ATTAIN IT.Having said this, if I go to the previous question, my answer surprisingly seems to be a NO. The problem is that we really dont know what we actually want in life. Even if we know, we are too lazy to diligently work towards it. So we never fail at all. But, is not the WORST OF FAILURE IS FAILING TO FAIL?


          We never try to succeed at all. We work just to survive in this world rather than work to thrive. We dont have the mindset to explore our hidden talents. All we want is a life with no obstacles.Another important reason for not facing failure is we all,  in one way or other, are afraid of failure. That is why most of us dont set goals that are challenging to us.( maybe this is the reason why we are happy with 3+lakh companies and dont try hard enough for 10+lakh companies). There is actually nothing to be afraid of failures. As all of our self-help books would say " failures are good teachers."I think, I sound as if I have seen enough of this world that I am entitled to give free advices. Actually, all these adcivces are more to myself than anyone else.(And here goes my final advice)


                Being an audience is easy.But, only a player is revered and celebrated, though he fails at times. So even to fail, you need to be committed to what you do.Hence FAILING, IN A WAY, IS A SMALL SUCCESS.

             


                                                                                                                                            by prem

parents -the culprits

               I have always felt that most people around me dont realize their true potential. They dont think a lot, which i believe is quintessential trait for any human. They dont have any specific interest or hobby( movies and cricket are general interests which are excluded). They dont seem to have any big ambition. On the whole, their understandings of the world and their maturity level seems to be far below than what a 21year old youngster is ought to have. Of course, I am no exception from them.


          I do not know whether people around me are really as I think them to be or they are such good actors that they project such an image. Assuming that my former assumption is true, I try to find the cause for such apathetic behaviours( At times, if you are too bored, you are tend to do such crazy things).Here I am talking about an average middle-class student which comprises a major percentage of people that I see. Hence, the cause for the problem has to be something really serious.


        What actually characterizes the thinkings of a man? One's school, society and the way in which one has been brought up. But I didnt choose the school I wanted to study. Neither did I  choose the society  I wanted to live. Then who did those for me?


             OMG, am I blaming on lovable and innocent parents for our present state. Even, I myself couldnt digest this. But the rational part of my brain which knows only objective thinking says " our parents has to be the culprits". Do I sound like an arrogant and hard-hearted person?


             From our young age, every elder we met( even our silver screen heros) portraied parents as noble being and someone higher than all gods. Having given us this impression, parent's responsibilities are immensly huge which doesnt just stop with loving us to the core which ofcourse is a natural law.

            I will point the major mistakes,which i feel, a parent generally does( since this is my web page, I can write whatever i feel like and you are bound to read it.LOL!!!!!)

     1)  First and foremost problem with parents is that they dont encourage creativity and innovation as much as they should be . My parents would have been happier if I had been a district topper in board exams than  be a national topper in some science-talent exam. Encouraging creativity and innovation makes the child  a good thinker which ultimately makes the child to ask more of WHY and HOW questions rather than just WHAT and WHEN questions.


  2)  I personally believe traits like confidence, willpower, self-esteem etc are much more important than petty traits like cleanliness and punctuality.Unfortunately, parents emphazis on those petty traits leaving the vital ones. I have been scolded an umpteen times for keeping my room untidy.But I have never been scolded for being a stage-fright.


 3) Most of the middle-class familiy's only goal would be to have a secure and wealthier life style which means to have a fat salary. In this process, the child's inborn interest is diminished.In the worst case, the interest is never found at all.


          Take,for example, a doctor. He always says the advantages of his profession to his child. Hearing these from very young age, the child develops an interest to become a doctor, due to which the child's actual interest is never found. Isn't this like moulding a clay to whatever shape we want?

            Hence parents has to emphazis that a fulfilling life must be the ultimate goal rather than a materialistic life.For this to happen, first, parents has to realize this.


 4) Other important thing is that parents dont let their children out of a very small circle.Hence the child doesnt get to know a lot of things.Maybe, this is what parents want. I believe, there is nothing wrong in knowing bad things. The problem is only when the child starts to learn those bad things.



          If any parent reads this their first response would be " be a parent and you would know how it would feel like to bring up a child ". This one response cant be the answer to all the mistakes I have mentioned.Or is it?


              When I re-read it, I feel( its a bit lengthy and boring) I have blamed more than enough on parents. Actually, as an individual, shouldnt we be the one who should be blamed more than our parents. I am an Indian. I dont need anyone to teach me to blame on others without any twinge of guilt. Its in my blood.



                                                                                                     by  prem

A LETTER TO MY LOVER

My dear,
              
              Though I know that writing this letter to you wouldnt make anything better, a part of me wanted to write it. I just want you to know how much I loved you and how much I HATED you. I hope that atleast, this letter would lessen the immense heavyness in my heart that i have been carrying ever since you broke-up with me.

                   I am not exactly sure on how many months it had been since you proposed me. But I still vividly remember all those messages you sent me, expressing your love for me. I could sense the shyness even in the words you texted to me. I was on cloud nine and those are the moments that i had replayed in my mind, atleast a thousand times. Because I have never even dreamt that a girl would ever propose to me.


                       So for in my life, the most exciting days were the infancy stage of our love. The feeling was so new and alien to me. That was the time, I stopped mocking on all those cinematic dialogues- 1000's of butterflies in stomach, heart becoming light weight et cetera.




                         After a few months, you and me had known each other better. We were happy to express our true-self to each other. All those kisses over phone, the movies we went, cards we exchanged, late night chats- everything made our love so dramatic and perfect. I thought we would become the best of couples, despite those silly fights we had often. After all, what is love without those silly fights.




                      But i never thought such a fight would be menacing to our relationship. How wrong i was? One evening we had a discussion as usual except that we were not in the best of our moods. Our discussion turned to argument. Argument turned to quarrel. Quarrel made us to lose our minds and speak words that we shouldnt have spoke. But we spoke. Words led to our break-up. Words are so powerful that they can both make and break any relationship. 


                 For the next few weeks, I was dejected. It was as though half of me was lost. Everything seemed to be incomplete. Life went on. But I never stopped loving you untill..............


                    Untill I came to know that you were in a relationship with some other guy. A twist in tale. I never thoght you as a girl who would switch guys in weeks. You made me to hate you as much as i loved you. But what good is going to happen by hating you? Ofcourse, its your life and you have made your choices. I just want you to know that I could love, I could hate you but I couldnt neglect you.




          However hard I try, I couldnt erase you from me. At times, I would just sit numb and imagine the scene - " You come crying to me again, feeling remorse for what you have done.And I clear the tears from your cheek and we stay, hugging each other, for eternity"  with tears escaping from my eyes. I know that this would never happen. Even if you come to me again, the ego within me would never allow me to accept you.



                     If at all I have experienced something that is close to love, its only because of you. Thanks a lot for showing me how love would feel.
                                                                                                                                                                                                           
                                                                                   yours lovingly,


P.S:  I wanted to post this letter but the thing is, there is no girl to whom I can address this letter. I sincerely wish I had loved such a girl truly and betrayed by that girl, atleast then I would know how those things would feel like.                                                                                                                                


                                                                                           by  prem

Another love story

                 Keerthana and Gokul were friends, from the day when Gokul lost his lunch box and keerthana shared her lunch with him, in their 4th standard. From then on, their friendship grew stronger and stronger. Even when they reached the latter part of teenage, not even a single student in the class, had mistakenly considered them to be lovers.Because the way they felt about each other was full of dignified affection.


            There was a beautiful rapport between them. Gokul always felt so comfortable and light-hearted in keerthana's company- the way a brother would feel about his little sister. As most of the guys, Gokul too fell in love with one of his classmates named Divya. Gokul was good in studies, a promising athlete and was smart. There was no reason why Divya wouldnt accept Gokul's proposal. He proposed. She accepted.




            Gokul was so exultant and wanted to share his happiness with Keerthana. On hearing Gokul's love, Keerthana congratulated him and was as happy as Gokul. Actually SHE WAS NOT.She just acted as though she was happy but deep inside her she had a mixture of feelings.




               Angry, guilty, jealous,sorrow and LOVE. But where did the love come from? May be love was the reason and cause for her other feelings. Keerthana herself didnt know when love had crept into her heart. For few days, she had an immense doubt on whether the feeling she had for Gokul was love or something else. But after a deep introspection ,she realized it was love.A TRUE LOVE.




            Whenever Gokul said something about Divya to Keerthana, she would respond as if she was still the same old friend. Keerthana didnt have the courage to express her love to Gokul, who was thinking her as more of a sister than a friend. Even worse was that Gokul was in love with some other girl.




                     But as days passed, Keerthana was frustrated of acting. She wanted to express her true self. She didnt bother about how Gokul would react on hearing her feelings. She just wanted to remove her mask.She mustered some courage,made up her mind and met Gokul in a restaurant. She blatantly expressed all her feelings to him. At first Gokul thought she was playing some kind of prank but later realized she was damn serious.Gokul was silent till she finished and then walked out of the restaurant without uttering a single word.


                   Three years have passed. Gokul has never spoken to her since then and will never in future. Keerthana  still loves Gokul the same way she has been loving him since that unknown day.

P.S:  Would you be surprised if I say that the above story is true and I am the witness for every scene of Keerthana's love story? In my very little experience, I have seen only fast-food love that doesnt exceed a year or even less. I feel that Keerthana's love is pure and true. After all,True love story neednt have an happy ending always.


                                                                                       by prem




                                                                                                                                

EXAM DAYS

                    


                      Now, after my semester exams got over, i feel like i am back in the Earth. For the past 25days, it was as though the world got alienated from me( oh no!!! actually it was me who got alienated from the world). I didnt watch a movie, i didnt speak as usual to my mom, i didnt chit-chat or gossip with my friends, i didnt play cricket( above all i didnt blog!!!!! LOL). Even if i did any of these things, i would do it with a twinge of guilt in my heart.




              Am not sure whether this is the right way to approach an exam. Given the college in which i study and if i had to atleast clear all my papers, i couldnt find any better way than this alienated approach. My college allows me to enjoy my college life to the maximum. It dosent restrict me on what i should wear or on how i should behave in class. To be succinct, we would be like left out donkeys, all round the year except on the EXAM DAYS.




              My college doesnt even give any hint on how i should prepare for my exam nor does it conduct any useful tests before exams(exactly contrary to what i have been used to, in my school days). I dont still understand why my college is rated high and how did it earn its reputation. May be my college is just like the good-for-nothing coke and pepsi, where people, though they knew its not good for their health, they are willing to spent money on it, only because its attractive and prominent.




                    After all, our mind is just like any other part of our body. If you jog after so many months,surely your leg will pain a lot. It takes time to get used to jogging. But here the problem is, before i get used to studying, the exams get over.




                   If at all i study by conjuration, one of my friend would be bragging about the CSK match. Not even the strongest of mind can concentrate on the books when CSK is roaring. At times i wish, i had born in Hyderabad or Pune so that i wouldnt have anything to cheer about my team in IPL and i can fully concentrate on my exams.




                         So, it has all made, clearing a paper an insurmountable task. CLEAR or ARREAR either of these words is more than enough to describe my performance in any semester exam. Who wants to aim for the sky, when reaching even the tree top is difficult.




             They say that nearly 1 lakh engineers pass out every year. I used to believe that i am much more talented and capable than an average student. But i dont sense that these 1 lakh students are going through the ordeal, i have been going through during the EXAM DAYS. This has lead to a reasonable question that keeps lingering in my mind: whether all these students are more talented than me or am i not talented enough?




                                                                                                                                by  prem

Reviving friendship

                Arun finished bathing and dressed in a neat shorts and t-shirt.He was so excited as he was about to meet his best friend Gautham.They havent meet each other for the past 6months.During their school days, they were the paradigm for friendship.Arun didnt have a lot of friends but he never bothered about that.He knew he had Gautham to whom he can share everything and anything.But after their schooling, their intimacy gradually diminished.They hardly texted each other and they never spoke at all.




            Its been 2years since they joined college.They both have came to their hometown for their semester holidays.This time, Arun was determined to revive their relationship.He was on his way to Gautham's home.The home where he had spent lot of hours than his own home.On seeing Gautham, Arun was awestruck.Gautham had changed his hairstyle, pierced his ears and for a moment Arun couldnt recognize his own best friend.




                Not only his physique and apparels have changed but also the way he spoke and behaved.Arun couldnt see Gautham as he used to in his school days.He couldnt connect himself with Gautham.After some usual and boring questions like " When does your college reopens?  How have you done your exams? How is the placements in your college? et cetera" they had nothing to talk about .Arun was amazed at the thought what 2years of seperation had done to their friendship.Once there was myriad things to talk about but there was no time. Now they have myriad free time but nothing to talk about.




                    Arun distressingly came back home.He realized that Gautham had changed a lot that they couldnt be as close as they once were.His intention of reviving their friendship turned out to be an utter failure.For the next two days,Arun was so bored in his home.He would take his mobile and type " Hey Gautham r u free da? shall we hangout somewher?" but this message would be saved in his drafts.He deeply wanted Gautham to call him first but Gautham never did.(When there is a small fissure in any relationship,these kind of silly egos makes it even wider.)




                    On a fine thursday evening, Arun was extremely bored that he couldnt restrain himself from texting to Gautham.Gautham replied and they planned to meet in their same old cricket ground.They had a good evening-enjoyed themselves playing cricket with their neighbours after a long time.After the match everyone went home except these two.




                                 They sat and silently enjoyed the cool breeze having nothing to talk.Then suddenly Gautham broke the silence    " Arun, you have changed a lot after joining college da...." .Arun was flabbergasted.Gautham just spoke the exact words running in Arun's mind.He just managed to ask " is that so?"




Gautham:" Ofcourse da.You seem to be so matured.You are not as jovial as you used to be.And you know what, i feel like our friendship has attenuated to mere acquaintanceship. I feel like i wanted to discuss many things with you.But the fear of you being insensitive to me, curtailed me."




                 Arun wanted to hug him and say sorry for being such a lunatic.Tears swelled behind his eyes.He controlled the tears and replied " Hey machi dont talk like a sentimental girl.It doesnt suit you at all"


              
                        Yes, this is the biggest problem with teenage boys.They hide their inabiliy to speak their feelings with some lame tauntings.        




                                                                                  by prem




                                                                                                                           

my dad or cricket?

                


                    The class teacher was giving the progress report for the recently held quart-yearly examination. As usual, pravin was the topper of 9th std B-section.He has been the topper and got the proficiency award for the past four years. A major part of the students in the class envied him and for the remaining students, he was their best friend and role model. He was not only good at studies but also, even better at sports. Especially in cricket.

                             In fact, pravin's dream was to become a cricketer. It would be an understatement to call it just a dream. He loved the game.He enjoyed playing cricket.He would be ecstatic whenever he hit a boundary.He knew his true passion was cricket.Though he had heard most of his friends saying the same, he knew, the way he felt about cricket was different.




                    He was not like an average 14year old boy. He was far more matured than his age boys were expected to be.This maturity may be due to the way in which he was brought up.His father was an english teacher in a mediocre school and his mother was a home-maker.His family was a typical middle-class family where the responsibilities on a child's shoulder is heavier than on parent's.




                            His father was the perfect gentleman pravin has ever seen. Pravin loved him so much and he always wanted to make his dad happy. But the conventional notion " CRICKET WILL SPOIL A CHILD'S ACADEMICS"  was believed by his dad too. But his dad didnt restrain pravin from playing cricket. He conceived pravin was more interested in his studies than in cricket.  




                                    The school cricket team selection was held and without any second thoughts pravin was selected. The coach asked him to come to practise from next week, WITH HIS KITBAG.All of a sudden pravin's exhilaration was cut down.Where would he go for the kit bag? Even he hadnt got his dad's consent to play for the school team , let alone the problem of kitbag. 




                               For the next few days, he was in an immense dilemma on whether he should let away the opportunity for playing for his school team or he should approach his dad for the kitbag and make his dad feel distressed. He had never been in such a critical situation in his life.He felt like this must be the most difficult situation one could face.




                            After giving much of thought, he decided to take the toughest decision. Yes, he decided to sacrifice his true passion.He buried,deep down, all his dreams of becoming a professional cricketer. He pictured himself to remove the pads,gloves and helmet, slowly one by one.Though he made up his mind, he was deeply dejected inside. For an unknown reason, he was angry on his parents,on his friends,on everyone and mainly on himself for taking such a coward decision.




                                The day after the next, when he returned from school, his dad asked him to get ready to go outside.At that moment pravin's intuitive and pragmatic part of his brain contradicted each other.


INTUITIVE PART:  This outing must be to buy a kit for me.
  
PRAGMATIC PART:  I even hadnt informed dad that i was selected for the team.Then how could he know that i needed a kitbag.


INTUITIVE PART: may be, seeing me in a depressed state,he could have inquired about it to my friends.


PRAGMATIC PART: But he was as normal to me as everyday and if at all, he had inquired to my friends, they would have informed me about it.


INTUITIVE PART: ok i lost.




                Pravin got ready and sat in the scooter.After riding a few metres, his dad asked him " DO YOU KNOW THE BEST SPORTS SHOP TO BUY A CRICKET KIT?"






                                                                                 by prem                                                           

how gifted are we?

                        How many of us realize, how gifted are we? First of all, do we realize that we are gifted in life? I got answer for this question in a simple incident.So i thought, i should share it with you.Because we dont see a lot of things that makes us to ruminate about our life( or WE ARE TOO LAZY TO RUMINATE).




                      It was a nice, bright,hot sunday evening. Having no useful work to do, as usual we planned for a movie.I got ready too early as i was so bored in home and went to railway station to catch an electric train.There i saw a bizzare family.I had been to that station a 1000times, but i had not seen that family earlier.May be all the 1000times i must be in a rush or that family must have moved to that station for the first time.




                                The family had five members.The father had a long beard, with a beer bottle in his hand.He looked worse than the worst beggar i have ever seen in my life.The mother was babbling something, looking at the young baby in the cradle which was tied just near the ticket counter area.The remaining two children who were not more than 8years old, shared a meagre amount of food between them.




                                      Neither did i speak to them nor did they share their misery with me.But anyone who sees them could easily understand the level of poverty,they were sunk into.Most of you might have seen such a family.Even i might have seen such a family earlier and just moved on.But on that day,for an unknown reason i felt something different.A part of me, wanted to do something about it.




                               Most of us,would just feel pity for that family and would carry on with our work. Yes, that may be the most pragmatic thing we could do. Most of us in this society are selfish men and women.Atleast, we can use that selfishness to improve our life.We need not help that family, but we can help ourself by learning a lot from that family.




                                      I learned. I realized , how gifted i am. By the term gifted, i dont mean the financial status alone.My friends, my sibling, even the institute in which i study and above all my parents.I feel that the reason why we didnt realize the gifts in life, is our parents.Because they love us so much that they dont let us outside this sophisticated world we are living in. They always wanted to provide us with all the luxuries they could.




                       But is it not their duty to teach us, what luxury means actually.I dont think most of the parents teach that.Most of the students, unfortunately,take LUXURIES AS NECESSITIES. Isnt all those android mobiles, huge bikes, branded shoes,a movie every week et cetera are luxuries? Do we realize that? By realizing our gifts, i dont mean to be COMPLACENT. I just want to enjoy and savour every little thing we got and keep on working to reach next level in life.




                             I think, to an extent i realized how gifted i am, after seeing that family.If at all you ponder something after reading this post( which i am sure would never happen), i think i have done what i intend to do.




                                                                                          by prem






                                                                                                                                
                              

A birthday celebration

             


                    It was another damn boring day, full of theory classes. Every student's face in the class looked as if they had been sedated. My gang, so tired of sleeping from the first hour, wanted to stay awake.The only technique that we knew to stay away from the sedation was TO PLAN. Yes, we love planning, not about our placements,not about our higher studies but on how we ought to spent the weekend as though we had been exhausted from studying on the weekdays.




                              Fortunately one of our friend's birthday happened to fall on that saturday. So each of my friends were so enthusiastic in giving their ideas on how to celebrate.After some 2hours of discussion, a plan was finalized.On that day evening at around 7pm, everyone reached our home and were getting ready to leave.All of a sudden the plan was changed.I had no clue on who changed the plan or why the plan was changed.Change of plan at the last moment was one thing that our gang got used to from the first year.




                     The plan was to find a resort in ECR and booze-up.( for this simple plan we had spent nearly 3hours discussing. THATS OUR GANG).ECR was one road where my friends can use the full potential of their above-180cc-bikes and can showoff their driving skills.I felt as if we were participating in some MOTOGP race because none of my friends bike traveled at less that 80kmph.




                            Believe it or not, whenever we had been to ECR, one of us would get caught by the police.This time was no different.This time the policeman even went a step further and beat one of our friend for behaving imprudently.If you think that we felt sorry and consoled our friend, you are absolutely wrong.What if that guy happened to be the funster of our gang? yes, we had got an incident to reminiscent for next 1year.




                      Paying half of the bribe demanded, we started again.Most of the resorts were full and if at all rooms were available in some resorts, they were not within our limited budget.At last we found one in mahabalipuram that suited us.Everyone was so eager to booze after a long gap( long gap means not more than 2months).I think, the most exciting thing one could experience is that you being sober and watching your friends getting high.You really wouldnt believe that these were the people who had been your friends for the past 3years.




                           One of my friend started crying,saying all his problems.I really didnt know how should i react.I realized that alcohol makes you to reveal the deepest secrets buried in your heart.Another friend kept on puking as if he had gallons of vomit stored in his tummy.The worst thing was that he would puke exactly when we finished cleaning his previous one.Each one of my friend behaved uniquely in a bizarre way.I felt like a warden in a psychiatric hospital, controlling and consoling everyone.




                              At around 4am, most of them slept ,oblivious to the stinky smell hovering around the room.Though i was tired, i didnt feel sleepy. I got down and had a long walk on the lonely street.It was cool, pitch dark and so tranquil (except the sound of some dogs barking).The situation made my mind so serene. I was deeply contemplating but not sure on what i was contemplating.




                                May be it was about the way my friends behaved, may be it was about how i would behave if i booze or may be about should i ever booze in my life.Though i knew that boozing was not all that sinful thing,though i knew that boozing occasionally would cause no big harm,some part of me wanted to advice my friends not to get drunk.But i knew that i didnt have the courage to advice them.


                                 So as usual i did the most selfish thing.I advised(and promised) to myself that i should never booze in my life.




                                                                                         by prem
                                                                                                                                             

Random thoughts

                    


                              This time i really do not have any idea on how i should write or even what i should write. But some part of me wants to write the random thoughts in my mind, which has grown intensely in the recent past. Hence this post may not be coherent, may not make any sense and may not beguile you(assuming my other posts have).




                                 I wake up at 7- go to college- while away all the seven hours chit chatting with friends-back home-watch a movie-have a spicy dinner-go for sleep.This was( and is) my routine for the past two years.I have been doing this in the pretext of leading a COLLEGE STUDENT LIFE(as though college students are never meant to do anything useful).


                     
                                      But now i am copiously frustrated of following such a lethargic routine.I feel as though all my potential and abilities are being wasted and rusted.I feel like a stray dog which squanders without any purpose in life. I badly want to change something within me. I want to have a specific goal. I want to work hard to achieve that goal. I want some challenging task that could kindle my underlying ability. Above all i want to prove to myself that, i am lot more capable than what others think of me.


            
                                But where do i start and what do i change?  Should i regularly study the chapters taught in the class like a 10th grade student.I am frustrated to an extend that i even wont mind doing that( but obviously my so called room-mates would mind). Because the students who looked to me as good-for-nothing, imbecile- bookworms, all of a sudden seems to be achievers and winners(especially with placements only a few months away).


                       
                             The fire to change something had been ignited within me, for quite a number of times in the past also.But they have not lasted for more than a couple of days.Usually this fire would be ignited whenever i see an exceptional movie or read an inspirational book.Whenever this fire is within me i would feel like, every task is within the circumference of my ability circle.I would even set some elusive goals like to become the university topper. But why doesnt this fire burn within me eternally?


                       
                               Most of the time, this fire would be extinguished by pouring some cold water.By cold water, i mean the peer. So should i stop talking to my classmates and lead a monk life?(rather than the COLLEGE LIFE).Or am i giving the most familiar excuse for not being determined enough,to keep the fire burning.




                                       But this time i feel something is different.I feel i am on the right path that leads to success.I think i have the mental strength to say NO to the peer pressure.I think i have enough fuel to keep the fire burning.


                    
                             If something is different this time shouldnt i be preparing for my tomorrow's internal rather than wasting an hour in writing such a horrible blog. So is this also another ignition that would extinguish in a few hours??????




                                                                                                                                                           
                                                                                  by prem 

Being a younger brother

                                  


                                    I was constantly staring at my watch from 3.50pm, expecting the bell to ring. As soon as the bell rang, i ran to the parking lot with a chunky bag on my shoulders.I unlocked my intimate bicycle and rode as fast as i could.I even overtook some uncles riding their old scooters. The moment i entered the home, i switched on the tv without even removing my stinky socks, to watch SWAT KATS(my favourite cartoon).At the age of 12, i wouldnt mind watching cartoon network for 24*7, if i was allowed.


                                             
                                     Just when the program was about to start, my biggest foe snatched the remote from me.I think at that age, the biggest and the only foe to me was my elder brother.He changed the channel to some bloody cricket match( he wouldnt mind watching cricket matches for 24*7,if allowed). I was continuously badgering him to change the channel. Sachin got out. As though Sachin got out due to my annoyance, my foe gave me a hefty knock on my head.




                                Tears took their stand and were ready to fall on my cheeks.I was not the kind of kid who would complain to their mom.I tried to retaliate but ended up with getting even a heavier knock.

                               This was just 1 in 10 incidents a day, where i would be beaten by him.In all these times i would say to myself " Dont cry like a girl, you moron!!! One day, when you grow as taller and stronger as him,you will surely knock him on his head,atleast once. now stop crying"  Before finishing that self-talk, my tears would have already wet my cheeks.




                               I thought, born as a younger brother was the worst possible way, the god can curse you with. Because you would get knocked on your head if you watched cartoon, if you didnt bat well in a gully cricket match( even if your foe was in the opponent team), if you didnt go to shop( even if it was his turn to go to shop) and above all you would always be a SECOND-HANDER. His cycle, his apparels and  his books would be passed on to you.




                                After some few months, i heard the most 
happiest news in my life. My foe had to go to chennai for doing his engineering( Till he completed his board exams,i even had to sacrifice my cartoon programs).Then i felt like a slave who got his freedom after so many years.For the first few days after he left, i was happy.There was no one to control me. But as days passed, i could feel something was missing.As days became months, i realized that MISSING THING was my foe. 




                      I wanted to fight with him for all the silly reasons
                      I wanted to play with him and lose to him
                      I wanted to defy him
                      I wanted to get knocked on my head for that  
                      I wanted to cry for that
                      Now,I am crying not because he hit me
                      It is because he is not near me to hit 
            
                        (OMG did i write i poem????)  After some few months, he came home for holidays.I really didnt know how to react. Should i fight with him for switching on the lights when i was sleeping or should i hug him and say " I MISS U". Though my heart wanted to do the latter, something made me to do the former. Because i am from a family where words like "SORRY, THANK U, MISS U etc " are not spoken my mouth.They had to be understood. I surely knew that my foe,sorry MY BROTHER would have heard the words spoken by my heart.


   
                                  One thing i understand now is that " THE MORE YOU HATE YOUR SIBLING IN YOUR CHILDHOOD, THE MORE YOU LOVE THEM IN YOUR LATER YEARS".I am not sure whether any of my friends got such an adorable and sweet brother as i got.I now realize that God didnt curse me. He blessed me with such an exceptional brother.                                                       


                                                                               
                                                                               by prem